faarrr:

1. Shoes. Every pair of shoes tells a story. They are a major part of my life. 

2. Smoking. I know it’s unhealthy and whatnot, but mom said we shouldn’t give up on what we’ve already started.

3. HIMYM. This has to be the funniest sitcom ever made. It’s hilarious, it’s entertaining, and of course, it’s LEGENDARY.

4. Edamame. If I had to choose one food to eat for the rest of my life, it would be those green japanese soybeans. I know people think I’m weird for saying that but i don’t care, it makes a good snack and it goes well with beer. 

5. Laughing at retards. I know i know it’s so mean and inhumane, but I can’t help but to giggle at them. And the funniest part is when I start laughing at them and then they start laughing with me. 

6. Mimicking retards. I am so going to hell.

High five biatch.

Broken lover yes I made you
Believe that I would be the one to heal you
And if you go now
Out that doorway
I won’t say you’re wrong
But you know that I’ll worry about you

Tonight, my heart has gone awry. This sudden burst of emotion, pushed the tears out of my eyes. I’m so tired. So dissatisfied. I tried to look things from the better side, but I can’t find any. Not tonight, not right now. I always need to have someone to talk to. To share things with. To exchange thoughts. Just for the sake of it or just to take off some heavy weight on my head and chest. I just need someone to be there, to listen, to care about what I have to say, but most importantly, to understand me even just for a slight. But no one understands, no one bothers to. For those who does, we’re cut. Either by distance, or the differences or both. It just doesn’t feel the same anymore, and this is what’s troubling me. Why does things have to be like this?

“There comes a point where you miss someone so much that you can hear their voice echo in your head and you can hear the names that they used to call you; the words they used to tell you. You memorized their laugh, their smile & their silly ways. You can also feel their arms around you and you don’t want to let go even though you know that it’s just an illusion. Every time you hear their name, your heart beats a hundred times faster and sometimes, you can’t even breathe. You knew that looking back on the tears would make you laugh but you never knew that looking back on the laughs would also make you cry. And all you would want is to go back in time. Not to the time that you first met, to the time that you were known as nothing but strangers. But no matter what, you’re in denial. You hide your feelings, so no one would know. You put on a fake smile & don’t let a single tear break through. You’re so used to hiding your feelings that you don’t even realize the pain you’re causing for yourself. Your thoughts become invisible. It’s still there, but no one knows. Like a love letter you didn’t show. And you’re hurting no one but yourself.”

I’m a disappointment? Ha. Who are you kidding? Come on, who’s the biggest let down of my fucking life? You. Please. Just please, stop putting up a show. Stop acting like you’re so hurt, like I hurt you so much as if you never did anything, as if you’re the only one hurting. You think you’re the only one that’s hurt, that can’t forget?

Old habits die hard. Bad habits die hard. I’m listening to this song, and it’s making me smile- Should’ve said something, but I’ve said it enough. By the way, my words were faded… My mind is playing a movie, rewind, rewind, play. A girl with those Cheap Monday jeans and Junk Food tee, flats. And a boy with the messy hair, glasses, skinny jeans, Fred Perry top and Converse and all they listen to was PlayRadioPlay, Hellogoodbye, Postal Service, Saosin, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Taking Back Sunday, The Used and the list goes on. Ha. Fast forward, play. All different now. Growing up kills huh? Throwing all the innocence away.

Here I am at my most labile state; almost making such an impulsive decision. But I stop, and I think hard. Love, is love enough though? Trust? Shattered and turned to dust. So, what’s left of it? Much too dysfunctional, much too stained. Can’t go back now, cause if your past still haunts you, if those insecurities still crawls all over your skin, if that pieces of broken heart still stabs you, starting from a clean slate is impossible to do. Cause that slate is tainted, down to the core. 

Such a pity that it all came down to this. From everything to nothing. From the world to just a memory. 

Biology and Literature exam tomorrow but I’m too tired to study and every time I try to, my mind just wonders off.

All or nothing eh? Harsh, but so fair. Black or white, no in between. Fairness, isn’t that what we all claim from this life? Then again, once you think you know what’s fair for you, you just can’t help but to want more. Never satisfied with what you have. Never appreciate what you already have. So who’s fault is it when your life seemed unbalanced? Yours.

Life is pretty fair, if you really think about it. So stop saying life is unfair, cause you’re the one who controls your life. It all mostly depends on you.

Am I making any sense? No? Yeah, never mind. I’m just trying to cheer myself up. I don’t know if this is called denial or trying to overcome my emotions. Whatever.

And I know that it’s a wonderful world, but I can’t feel it right now. Well I thought that I was doing well but I just wana cry now.

I’m listening to http://youtu.be/a2RA0vsZXf8?hd=1 and my heart, my heart…. Sigh.

I wish you love

Life is such an irony; so full of sick jokes.

You think you know something, but really you don’t. You think you know the whole truth when the fact is, not even a bit. Some times, for the most part, your words, you lips, your voice conceal, protects your emotions from showing. After all, emotions are the only thing you have left to feel right? Keep it safe, don’t let it show. Manipulate your words, and even if your voice is shaking, just don’t let your emotions show.

I guess we’re both so good at that. So good that until now I realize that, I really don’t know you, you really don’t know me. Still so many things hiding underneath our covers. Both good and bad, they’re still left unknown. Maybe for now, maybe for ever. We’ll never know. But let it be right? Like I said, some things, we’ll never understand, so leave it at that and time will tell.

You suppress yourself with your thoughts and it keeps running all over your head your heart 24/7, eating you up from the inside. Your best friend, your worst enemy. You think this, that. And with these thoughts, you create your own emotions unconsciously. But funny how when you think you feel something, you actually don’t when you found out something else.

Your mind fucks you up. My mind fucks me up all the time. My mind is like putting it’s string on my heart, playing it like a puppet doll. Stop thinking so much, feel what you have to feel, do what you have to do, and if all fails, move on, life on, at least you tried right? No regrets.

Powerpuff girls. I remember having the dolls, I remember my dad buying them from America. Then I remember having my first bra, he bought it for me when he was in Paris. La Perla, soft pink, lace bra. I’ll never forget being Daddy’s little Princess, since forever. 

My girl… he used to call me. I miss him so much since yesterday. And all I could do was to feel all I had to feel. I miss how he’s always there. Every night, he’d sit at his usual spot and I’d lie beside him. We’ll watch the TV and just watch in silence. The silence, we don’t mind, we don’t mind at all. I guess we pretty much enjoyed the comfortable silence. Now the house is almost always empty, and the silence, I’m used to it, enjoyed it in fact. What I’m not used to is his absence. 

The silence isn’t the same anymore. More like emptiness. I know he’ll always be in my heart. I know his energy and spirit will always be around me. But I just miss his presence you know? I miss him in a way I can’t explain. Just him calling me or even just me calling Papa anymore.